i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
