just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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