everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
