Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
