why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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