well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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