Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
