my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
