So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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