People in love make me want to vomit
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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