I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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