A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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