I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
