That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
