I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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