I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
