what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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