He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
