Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
