I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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