remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
