respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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