the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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