Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
