I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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