EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A+ Viking dick
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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