You made me cry and you don't even care
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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