So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
