i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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