Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
