Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
