I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
