So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
