i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
