You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
