I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
