I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
