after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
