Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
