why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
