Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
