I just threw up on my dentist
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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