My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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