I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
