Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
