barbara walters just said penis...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
