TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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