Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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