I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
