Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
