The maid of honor just puked.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
