Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
